An Interview with Amy Elberling, Spark Designer

(EDITOR’S NOTE: Living up to her “celebre-tante” reputation, Spark!’s fulltime designer and after-hours bad girl refused every request for an interview. Unable to gain access to the numerous “clubs” Ms. Elberling frequents, we are forced to reproduce here, without permission, her candid talk with the French edition of Vogue conducted last July in an unspecified European hot tub.)

VOGUE: The water, it is to your liking, yes?

AMY: You speak to me of “likes”?!! What do you know of likes? I laugh at you and your pitiful likes! Ha! I have more likes than a Frenchman could ever dream of! And believe me, he has tried! Haven’t you, Francoise?

VOGUE: Your sense of style is much remarked upon, and not only in France, but also in Slovakia and Ohio…

AMY: More fizz!

VOGUE: You are an utter delight! I ask you, where do you derive such artistry?

AMY: (Ms. Elberling tosses her blond hair back and forth while she speaks, as if for emphasis and dramatic effect. Her hands are apparently bound behind her.) Please! One does not simply “pick up” an artistic vision as one picks up a stray dog or viral infection! One must go, as I did, to Western Michigan University.

VOGUE: Ah! We have heard of this, how do you say, Vestern Meeshagun! Tell us more.

AMY: Oh, you’d like to hear more, wouldn’t you? Ha! But you French curs will hear nothing more from me! I will tell you nothing of my fondness for running! My fondness for bowling! My fondness for hockey! My fondness for one of my two brothers! No! And my work at the assembly plant? All lies! I have seen the security tapes!

VOGUE: Your passion…it is contagious!

AMY: That was supposed to be off limits! How dare my doctors speak to you! Interview over!!!