An Interview with Robert Jameson

(EDITOR’S NOTE: Because Mr. Jameson’s legal counsel refused our requests for an interview, the following is an excerpt from the aforesaid’s most recent court proceeding. To protect the innocent, the name “Sherri Lawton” has been changed to “Sherry Lawten”.)

D.A.: And that’s when you inserted the ice pick?

JAMESON: Well, she had the butane torch and Exacto!

D.A.: And “she” being?

JAMESON: Sherry Lawten.

D.A.: Your lover!

JAMESON: She’s not my lover — she’s my boss!

D.A.: Your boss?! Does a “boss” dance upon your bare chest with a rose between her lips?

JAMESON: Ms. Lawten and I have only the most professional relationship.

D.A.: Professional?! Does a “professional” drip scented candle wax on your toes and thighs?

JAMESON: I don’t know what you’re trying to insinuate. I am Ms. Lawten’s lead account executive. She’s my supervisor — nothing more!

D.A.: Supervisor?! Does a “supervisor” shackle you cheek and jowl to a hirsute he-goat?

JAMESON: Who are you trying to impugn? My credentials are impeccable: District Sales and Service Manager, National Customer Relations Supervisor, Web-Site Marketing Manager, Public Company Liaison — all for DaimlerChrysler, one of the world’s leading automotive manufacturers.

D.A.: Leading automotive manufacturer?! Does a “leading automotive manufacturer” make nefarious use of a butane torch and Exacto?

JAMESON: No. That would be Sherry Lawten.

D.A.: Your lover!

~REMAINDER OF TRANSCRIPT NOT TO BE RELEASED TO PUBLIC~