An Interview with Trish Salembier

(EDITOR’S NOTE: Despite numerous attempts at contact, Trish Salembier was unavailable for a formal interview. In its place, we have substituted a transcript of the 9-1-1 called placed by Ms. Salembier on January 15, 2005. While the transcript is reproduced in its entirety, Ms. Salembier’s saltier language has been replaced with references to frozen food.)

DISPATCHER: Yes, this is 9-1-1…

CALLER: The blood! It’s spurting! Holy FishStix™, I struck a deer!

DISPATCHER: Ma’am, intimate relations with an animal are not considered an emergency nor are they legal.

CALLER: No! I struck a deer! Struck!

DISPATCHER: Say, your voice sounds familiar. Record Town, right?

CALLER: Assistant manager for nearly 2 years. I learned a lot about the importance of putting the customer first ..........Ohmigod, what is that? Viscera? Mother Creamsicle®! It’s all over my sweater!

DISPATCHER: Did you work at Musicland too?

CALLER: Musicland. Tape World. I was the manager of a Suncoast.

DISPATCHER: I love Suncoast!

CALLER: Mini-Microwave Pizza™! It’s still alive!

DISPATCHER: Try massaging the area just below the thoracic cavity. They respond to that.

CALLER: Oh, Christ. The thing just Fudgsicled all over my Mary Janes.

DISPATCHER: Your voice. It’s got real amplitude. Ever consider being a dispatcher?

CALLER: You never know. Right now, I work at Spark Communications. Run errands. Help with administrative tasks. That kind of thing. But I don’t think they appreciate what I bring to the table. My boss…

DISPATCHER: Sherri Lawton?

CALLER: Right. She’s brilliant but…

DISPATCHER: Prickly?

CALLER: I’ll say. One time, she even used a butane torch and Exacto to—

DEER: HARRRUNGH!!!

DISPATCHER: Miss…? Miss…?

~END OF TRANSCRIPT~