An Interview with Claude

(EDITOR’S NOTE: Sadly, Claude was not able to participate in the interview process as he has not yet sufficiently healed from his tongue augmentation. In place of the interview, Claude’s psychiatrist has graciously allowed us access to a recording of an atypically revealing session.)

DOCTOR: And you feel your boss doesn’t give you the respect you deserve?

CLAUDE: Do you think it’s respectful to call someone “Pookie” in the workplace? To stroke their hair when no one else is around? To muzzle them and spank them and call them “naughty boy”?

DOCTOR: And how does this make your co-workers feel?

CLAUDE: I know what they think. They think I’m just there to warm her bed at night. I once heard one of them whisper, “He’s just her little puppy dog!” It nearly brought me to tears.

DOCTOR: Why aren’t you more open with your co-workers?

CLAUDE: Do you think they’d believe the truth? That I was the genius behind the Mitsubishi pitch? That I came up with the idea to use the color orange for the Cadillac job? That I put the balls in the Ryder Cup promo package? No! They all think it’s Sherri. “Sherri, you’re so brilliant!” “Sherri, you’re so creative!” “Sherri, you’re so strategic!”

DOCTOR: You sound angry.

CLAUDE: I AM ANGRY! They all— They all— Treat me like a dog!

DOCTOR: I’m sorry to hear that, Claude. But only you possess the ability to change this perception. Your behavior, your actions — in both the work and home environments — shape the response of others to your external self.

CLAUDE: Say, doc, would you mind scratching behind my ears?